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April 5, 2008
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                     “I’m scared,” Mimi grabbed at Laura’s skirts, her small hand clinging to the fabric.
                      “Don’t be… everything will be alright,” Laura said, but her trembling voice gave her away. She knew there was no way that they were going to survive this. At that thought a tear slid down her cheek.
                     “Are you crying?” Mimi’s eyes peered up through long lashes, and tears threatened to spill over from them.
                     “No,” Laura attempted to steady her voice. “Everything is going to be just fine.” She took the young one’s hand in hers and knelt down next to Mimi.
“I promise, nothing is going to happen.” Right as the words left her lips, the ground shook, the entire house rattling with the aftermath of bombs and gunshots. Mimi’s little arms pulled her sister close as fear struck both of their hearts.
                   “They’re getting closer,” Mimi spoke in such a way that Laura couldn’t decide if she was asking a question or merely stating the fact.
Laura was about to tell her that it was not true when a knock sounded on the floor below them, her lie shattered. Mimi let out a cry, but Laura’s hand covered her mouth.
                   “Shh little one, we must not let them know you are here.” Mimi nodded and Laura took back her hand. Three more loud knocks from the brass door knocker boomed.
                    “Mimi, I need you to listen to me.” Laura rose, taking both of Mimi’s hands in hers.
                    “Laura, no!”
                    “Shh,” Laura hushed her cry. “They know that someone is in here, you need to hide. Don’t worry I’ll be fine. It’s you I’m worried about. Now go, hide under your bed. I’ll make sure they don’t come up here.” Her voice was so serious that Mimi knew she would have to comply.
                     She go of Laura’s hands and then little girl crawled under her bed. She slid as far from the edge as she could, and curled herself into a ball. Her last sight of her sister was her ankles, and then the door was shut behind Laura, locking Mimi into the room.

                     Ten minutes and fourteen knocks passed before Laura actually opened the door. When she did four angry faces greeted her. Laura recognized one of them, but kept her thoughts to herself.
                     “Good evening,” she spoke with all of the ladylike elegance she could muster.
                     “Good evening,” the man who stood in front retorted bitterly. He wore the usual garment of the Cirians, and the only feature which set him apart from his followers was a small red pin which pierced his uniform. So he’s a leader of some sort, Laura thought.
                     “What can I do you for you this evening, good sir?” She addressed him.
                     “I am Colonel Nierman, and by the order of the Count we are to have you and anyone else on this property arrested for treason.”
                     “Treason?” Laura questioned boldly, her ladylike appearance falling away.
                     “Yes, you have been harboring evil ones, and by decree of Count Hijan you are to be executed.”
                     “Harboring… the evil ones? That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! We would no more take you in then harbor the evil ones!” Laura rose to his height.
                      The Colonel’s eyes narrowed and he looked to say something which his fellow officers would not approve of. Instead he took a deep breath and then stepped into the house, pushing her to the side with one glove hand.
                     “Private, you stay with her. The rest of you, search the lower floors,” he spoke, and then looked at Laura as he said; “I’ll look upstairs.” The fear shown in Laura’s azure eyes, gave her away. When Laura moved to stop him, the private took her arm and held her firmly in place.
                     Laura closed her eyes, fighting back tears. This was all her fault. If only she had stayed within the borders of their small village, then her family would not be at risk. Who knew that one being could cause a war.


                    Mimi whimpered slightly as the sound of heavy boots slid underneath the door. Someone was coming. With a slow creak, the door opened. Mimi closed her eyes, and gripped her knees to her chest. She had to be quiet, that’s what Laura had said. But now all she wanted to do was scream and cry for her mother.
                    Her breath came out in little shivery gusts, and she was sure the big man could smell the fear which rolled off of her. She opened her eyes carefully, and watched as the boots made their way over to the small closet which she and Laura shared. Unseen hands tore the door off of the hinges and clothing was flung everywhere as he searched for something. What could he be looking for? Mimi couldn’t think of any reason why this big scary man could be here. She just hoped Laura was alright.
                   The boots moved on to the large dresser which stood directly next to Laura’s bed. He ripped open the wide doors of the bureau and crashed through Laura’s belongings. But to no avail, he had not found it. What ever it could be?
Mimi’s little heart stopped dead as the boots made their way over to her bed. Her little face was merely a foot away from them, and she could make out the scent of dead cow, and dog excrement on them. She quivered, had he found her? Was she going to die now? The boots did not move and Mimi was sure that she was a goner.
                   But then, out of some miracle they turned and made their way to the entrance of the room. Before she could stop herself, Mimi let out a small sigh of relief. Instantly, she covered her mouth, and almost just as quickly the boots stopped.
                   There was an odd scratching noise as his boots pivoted on the wooden floor. He had heard her. Mimi’s eyes widened and she looked around her, searching for a place of escape. But there was none. At her back and to her sides were walls, the only exit being where the man was walking towards now.
                  Very slowly, the man knelt and bent down to see what was under the bed. Mimi was crying now. Silent tears of terror slid down her face, and she closed her eyes once more as she prayed for everything to be different.
:iconchocabookaholic:
~edit~ Alright this is a the "Somewhat Edited Version" of Mimi. Thankyou as always to Mcstuff :D ~edit~


I'm considering calling this something like Mimi's adventures, or Chronicles of Mimi, but those sound really typical to me so I'm brainstorming ideas for a title. Have any ideas? I'd love to hear them.

More is definitely coming, although I can't tell you when.

I'm honestly not sure where I'm going with this yet, but I like it. XP

Enjoy.
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:iconpaladin343:
~Paladin343 May 9, 2008  Hobbyist General Artist
OH! Awesome cliffhanger!
Reply
:iconchocabookaholic:
~Chocabookaholic May 11, 2008  Student Writer
Thankyou :D!
Reply
:iconpaladin343:
~Paladin343 May 11, 2008  Hobbyist General Artist
anytime! :boing:
Reply
:icontrupad:
Mood: Joy ~trupad Apr 20, 2008   Writer
I was going to list the typos. But I see you already have someone to do it for you. LOL

Anyway, I like the story line so far. Why did you have to stop when it's getting interesting??!! LOL. I love doing that too just to piss everybody.:-P

No sleep for you until you finish the story. LOL
Reply
:iconchocabookaholic:
~Chocabookaholic Apr 27, 2008  Student Writer
Lol, cliffhangers are amazing!!! Quick race to my next one, maybe you can beat them to typo listing :P. Thanks.
Reply
:iconmcstuff:
--------------
Things which rawked
Noticing the smell of dog excrement was a great detail.
Placing the reader in an environment they’re not intimate with, but is familiar enough to us.
Pitting three soldier against two girls, the reader really wants to see these girls succeed in the face of those odds.
Tantalizing the reader with the term “evil ones,” but not explaining much. I want to read more.
---------------
Specific inconsistency<\
When Laura speaks to the soldiers she seems older than when she talked to her sister.

----------------
Specific Grammar STUFF
In the first paragraph Mimi is grabbing Laura's skirts, but it also says she's touching her sister, please clarify which she is holding.
In the second paragraph there is a period in the quotation but the sentence continues after that, the period should probably be a comma.
In the fourth paragraph you switch to present tense with the word Taking.
In the eighth paragraph you use the present tense Shattering, but the lie had not been told, so it can’t exist, if it doesn’t exist nothing can act on it.
In the twelfth paragraph you use the present tense Letting and Sliding. You also use Laura’s name twice in a row in the last sentence, it seems redundant. Replacing the second instance with a pronoun would fix that.
In the fifteenth paragraph Laura’s thoughts should be in italics so we know she is thinking them. You also used the word Though when you mean Thought.
In the eighteenth paragraph she responds boldly, but her composure falls away, they don’t seem like they can happen at the same time.
In the twenty-second paragraph Colonel Nierman’s quotation ends with a period, but it should be a comma if you continue after the quotes with he spoke. You also use the word Giving, which is present tense.
In the twenty-fourth paragraph you use Gripping, present tense.
In the twenty-sixth paragraph you end with What ever could it be. . . but there’s no reason to end with the ellipsis, it should probably be a question mark.
In the last paragraph you use the present tense Praying.
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:iconchocabookaholic:
~Chocabookaholic Apr 9, 2008  Student Writer
You're the best, I love having my own personal editor XP. I shall go back and correct when I'm not drowning in homework! Sankyou!
Reply
:iconmcstuff:
You are very welcome. Creative Writing should also be called 'helping everyone else with their stuff" but that looks a bit long on a college form.
Reply
:iconchocabookaholic:
~Chocabookaholic Apr 19, 2008  Student Writer
Hey, I don't know how to change things to italics on here, care to share? =D Ooh, keep in mnd that authors choose to express thoughts in different ways. But on my word document it is in italics... just wasn't sure about here.
Thanks
Reply
:iconmcstuff:
Italics
Start with a less than sign <
Inside that, put an i
Close it with a greater than sign >

Type all the text you want to be in italics

Then put another less than sign <
and a slash /
and another i
close it all with a greater than sign >


< i > words in italics < /i >

I hope that makes sense.
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